Thursday, October 08, 2009
What a boring title. Oh, well.
It amazes me how the major part of being a parent is the constant pulling of different forces. You can be drawn up to an ecstatic heavenly place while feeling heartbroken at the same time.
Even the simplest of things like when Aidric waves at someone. He almost always finally waves when the lucky recipient has moved their attention elsewhere, and he gets this confused and disappointed look on his face like, " Hey! I waved! Why are you ignoring me. Hello...." And my heart breaks for him while I am also feeling so proud of his new skill.
Speaking of which, the heartache! Oh, the sympathy. When he gets an boo-boo or he gets terrified of a loud sound, I look at him and I just feel it. I feel it like it's my own injury or trauma.
Or when I wait and wish for the day that he can entertain himself so I can get something done, and when that day comes, I wonder if he feels neglected.
I am guessing that I had better get used to this duality. Pride will always be mixed with worry. Love will always be hand in hand with fear.
I remember reading in a Steven King story once that we always imagine the worst horrors happening to those we love the most. Love and fear. It's true.
It has been such a journey this past year. I felt that I have been reborn. I naively said to myself when I was pregnant that life will be the same, but better. Sure, I'll have more responsibility, but I want that. I realize now that there is no way to imagine how it will be. It would be like imagining a new set of colors or sounds. Another contradiction, it seems, that I am the same person, but I'm not. My perceptions are permanently filtered through his eyes. And he holds the biggest mirror up to me. I see how I look to him, and I want to be the best person I can be for him. It's an instant attitude changer. Free therapy.
I'm sorry if it sounds just too sappy, but I feel like having Aidric is the hugest, most wonderful thing the world could ever know! "We made a baby! A human! He's awesome!" But there are millions of babies in the world. It happens every day. Calm the heck down.
Therein is the biggest duality.
Thanks for listening!